Asking me what my favorite beer is is like asking which one of my children I love the most.

-i work hard because millions on welfare depend on me!

-eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

-i plan on living forever. so far, so good.

-god must love stupid people. that's why he made so many

-i used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

-consciousness: that annoying time between naps

-why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

-rehab is for quitters

-i don't suffer from insanity, i enjoy every minute of it.